Stop Being So NICE

FirstIt’s time to stop being so nice and put yourself first for a change.

Last night on the weekly 30DC webinar, a number of questions were about how best to use time remaining now that we are in the second half of the 30 days and the egg timer is the other way up. What once seemed like plenty of time is now draining away at a rate which feels like its accelerating. Its not (obviously) but we all know that feeling don’t we?

Some were asking what they should do in the event they had fallen behind with all the daily encouragement emails known as the Daily Buzz. Should they go back and read/consume their backlog or just start in again today?

And how are they best to use their twenty minutes a day focus time. By the time they’ve read what everyone else is up to, there’s no time left for their own project, not in the twenty minutes anyway.

And by the time they’ve got home from work and taken care of all the urgent and important stuff and everyone else’s needs, there’s nothing left for them.

And. And. And.

Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once. Stop being so NICE.

You are on a thirty day challenge in which you have picked a project close to your own heart precisely so that you can make some progress with your own thing for once. You probably had to join something like this to begin with because you don’t prioritise your own needs sufficiently, or you haven’t yet worked out a time management system which allows for some vital me-time.

I know whereof I speak. I am a nice girl too. And don’t think this is just a girl thing, there are some very nice blokes on the 30DC and beyond.

CourageThe answer is to put yourself first for a change. What that means is this… if you want to make a change, put yourself first. Stop farting about being nice to everyone else – at home, at work and on the 30DC. Put your head down and do your own stuff first. FIRST.

By all means, if you want the inspiration of the energy buzz caused by what everyone else is up to, then fill your boots, especially if you are one of those who has spare (!) time, but if you put your focus on them you risk falling into overwhelm and procrastination and achieving little or nothing for you.

One of my clients, about whom I shall have to make this blog in entirety shortly since she gives such great testimonial, sent me this overnight:

“Universe in action again. When last night I joined the webinar you were actually talking about the same thing I just realised earlier same day. Prioritising my life for my own self. Put myself first…..Focus on myself, stop being so nice to others, focus on my area, my needs. It is not selfish….Do what you Love! Thxxxxxx for the reassurance, it came as a nod 🙂

Now, this woman is a mother, and she knows I’ m not advocating that she ignore her children, let them find their own way home from school and make their own dinner, wear the same clothes for 30 days straight and completely abandon them in the back garden for the month of June 2014. As if. But she might have to pull back from over-mothering (if that’s even her schtick; I suspect it’s not) and let the able-bodied and compos mentis take care of each other for a while without her.

Empower those around you to step up during a challenging time in your life (and set a precedent for the rest of your life while we’re at it). Ask for help if you need it. And ask the family to pull their weight.

In my Club 100 we call this “nice girl hand-wringing” because we spend an inordinate amount of time working out how we are going to say no to someone when they make a request. We want to be nice. We want to be helpful. But we don’t really want to do the thing they are asking.

  • Just. Say. No.
  • Ignore the request and get on with your own challenges.
  • Or, better still, if time permits, empower the person to find their own solutions. Start as you mean to go on.

I’m one to talk, as those reading this will know. But I could feel the advice resonating round the webinar as the Nice Ones realised that their focus had been everywhere except where it should be if they want the best result or any result – even – for themselves.

You have my permission. No one will starve or die. Point them at the freezer, the can opener, the supermarket. The hungry generally find way to get food into their own mouths, unless they are less than twelve months old or weak and helpless and no doubt many of us do have responsibility for those, all joking aside. But even with those challenges, I believe you can carve out an additional 20 minutes a day for yourself, if you are so minded.

All those people on Facebook and the 30DC and other forums and in all other areas of your life and work will have nothing but respect for you if you just fall off their planet for a while and do your own thing. If you don’t do your own thing, your own thing will not get done. You will die with your music in you.

You don’t even need to say you are going. Just go. Never apologise. Never explain. The needy always find a way to get their needs met and if it isn’t from you, some other overly nice person will simply step into your shoes. Sucker.

[Tweet “Put yourself first for a change and stop being so bloody nice all the time. We will still love you. Promise.”]

And we will really admire you and take a leaf out of your book and be slightly envious that you delivered your project on deadline. And you will set such a good example to those looking on. Do it for them. Do it for us. But, most of all, do it for you.

 

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