I got into a discussion with my youngest nephew on Christmas Day about the Jason Bourne movies. Are they better than James Bond? He was a yes, I was a no.
Sparked by that, I thought I’d revisit the Bourne films One (The Bourne Identity 2002) and Two (The Bourne Supremacy 2004) with a view to then going on to consume the ones I hadn’t seen yet – Three (The Bourne Ultimatum 2007) and Four (Jason Bourne 2016).
Here are my tips for Jason Bourne, who does a fabulous job keeping one step ahead of all the American and international security agencies despite not having their personnel or their tech.
Good man! But his life could be easier, thus:
- Drive more like me, like a little old lady in a little old lady car. Stealing high profile vehicles, like security vans and police cars, and driving them the wrong way up ramps and along busy roads just screams that you are evading capture and all those chasing you can see it’s you. Drive slowly in an inconspicuous vehicle, which a clapped out old red mini is not.
- Avoid women with significantly coloured hair – red, stripey significant highlights and lots of long blonde. Far too visible on the CCTV. And be especially careful when, at your instruction, they get out the scissors and dull-coloured hair dye as this can lead to romantic difficulties. And death.
- Whilst we are on the topic of CCTV, if you and said women would just get a hat, or a series of them, an awful lot of detection could be avoided altogether.
- Stop going through passport control and crossing international frontiers in trains, planes and automobiles. Oh, and ships. Sit quietly somewhere and play dead. That’s my third “how to avoid detection” tip now. Pay attention, JB. These are schoolboy errors you are making and ignoring me is wilful and deleterious to your health.
- Beware the police forces in every European city who, the moment any single officer (plod) makes eye contact with you, all start chasing you despite the fact that they have no idea who you are or why they are chasing you and they haven’t had enough time to be briefed with photos etc. This is nothing short of bizarre, but you have been warned.
Seriously, though. What a lot of Xmassy fun! I love action/adventure, me.
I told my neph that I thought Matt Damon was too old to be playing Jason Bourne in 2016. I was wrong.
This is my new favourite thing – being wrong. Also known as changing my mind.